Saturday, June 2, 2018

Layers, Balance, and Vulnerability

Y’all. I have had some great days. Some huge triumphs. I graduated. I’m finishing a difficult teaching year strong. I have good things planned for the summer.
There’s a chance I might be filling my summer so that I don’t have to think about the hard things.
Because they’re hard. And sometimes it feels easier to be so busy you can’t think about it.

Then someone who knows you helps peel back the layers, and kindly sheds light on the parts you’d rather not see. A friend who is glad that you’re happy and busy, but also wants you to take care of you so that you can work on healing rather than ignoring the gaping wound you’ve covered for convenience.

It’s important to find that balance. I haven’t. I’m grateful for the people with me on the journey.

I still don’t know what to do with that place of hurt and feelings. I’d like to put it somewhere or tell it what to do or be.

It still feels somewhat temporary. Like we’re doing the long distance schtick again, or he’s gone for work.

I see movie clips where the couple  is loving and taking care of each other. That was us. I thought it was. When did it become not? Was it just me?

Relationships are a catch 22. You have to be all in to get the most out of it. You have to be more vulnerable to your person than to anybody be you’ve ever opened up to before. While you might be capable of being on your own and independent, you learn to rely on your person. Let them do what they’re great at and support them whee they rely on you. From that grows a beautiful dependence. A relationship.

Woah is it gut wrenching when that gets pulled out from under you.when the partnership, thencomittment isn’t what you thought.

I wonder, what could/should I have done differently? What did I do wrong? I know I pursued and invited all possible options. I don’t un wish any of my time. Yet, if I can’t find a “what I’ll do differently next time” then it forces me to reconcile with the idea that a “next time” or a new person can’t be guaranteed either.

I’m now familiar with everything in risking by pursuing another life partnership.

I’m also all together more familiar with what I’m giving up if I don’t pursue another partnership.

I don’t know what to do with that.

Successes and Gratitude
Homemade pizza lesson for #roomatekyle (which meant eating homemade pizza.)
A yard full of plants ready to turn into lovely.
Living in a town with a lovely Saturday farmers market, and nearby walking and hiking trails.
The approaching end of school year.